Can someone please tell me why people in gyms have to be so freakin’ strange?  I mean, for real, what is it about gyms that, sort of like those late-night meat market dance clubs with names like “Club Platinum” or “The Bling Room”, brings out the absolute dumb –assist, knuckleheaded behavior in so many guys? Do guys feel some sort of primal return to the days of Quest for Fire where no one cared a lick about anyone else (….hmm, Nflzdu over there doesn’t see that rhino about to ambush his behind.  Wonder if I should say something….Nah) ? Or are guys so oversexed in the gym by all the flowing testosterone and gym bunnies flitting about that they completely don’t realize that they’re lying on a perfectly good bench with a thousand-yard stare, transfixed by some girl doing hamstring curls?  And what about the dudes who strut around the locker room, naked as a blue jay, blowdrying their underarm hair and flexing their lats in the full-length? What is wrong with people?!

Look, Be Better Guys understands there are two types of people who go to gyms:  those who want to get fit and those who want to pick someone up.  So out of the kindness of our hearts (and because we both belong to gyms and actually have to deal with you), we have some tips on How to Be for both types of guy.

For The Guy Who’s There to Work Out

Sweatstain City.  Look, you’re gonna overheat and you’re gonna your sweat on the bench, mat or machine. Wipe it up so my shorts and shirt don’ t have to.

Hey, Dumbbell!  I know it’s good to give the trainers something to do so they won’t look so bored and vapid all the time, but having them put your dumbbells away after you use them isn’t the answer. Do it yourself so the next person can find the matching 45 lb’er.

No Rest for the Weary. I’m all for bangin’ out three straight sets of the same exercise. But move off the piece of equipment in between sets so the rest of us can get our crack at the leg press, too. That little padded seat is comfortable, though, ain’t it?

Everybody Look What’s Going ‘Round. I play my music loud on my headphones when I work out; it gets me psyched to do something that usually bores me. And you may, too. But you need to look around at all times because I’ve been backed into, stepped on and beaned by nearby exercising folks who are totally oblivious to their proximity to another person. Just pay attention.

For the Guy Who’s There to Pick Up Women

That’s An Elliptical Trainer, Not a Barstool. Ever seen guys standing on a piece of equipment just chatting up some woman while you or others are orbiting, not wanting to interrupt but wondering when this guy will notice you’re impatiently waiting? Stop. Just stop.

“I’m In The Gym!  Where Are You?!” The gym floor is not the place to jaw on your cell phone to coordinate your social calendar or make yourself look important. That girl you’re trying to impress? She just called. She thinks you look like a putz. 

Oh, Right, You Want to W-O-R-K-O-U-T. Look, Ashton, most women, when they go to the gym, do so because actually want to get some exercise.  It doesn’t mean that in the history of gyms, no woman has ever been successfully hit on and picked up in a gym.  Yes, it’s happened.  But, like sitting next to a hottie on the bus, most women prefer to be left alone to do their duty and move on.

Take A Picture, It Lasts Longer. Being in the gym is like being at the beach – it’s an opportunity to see many well-built women in not a lot of clothes. Just like on the street, it makes women really uncomfortable when you stare at them.  You look like a stalker. I know. I've gotten called out doing that very thing . Live and learn, I say.

That said, there comes a time when a man has to say "What the hell," and make a move. I present the following story which contradicts everything I just said… a very recent occurrence:

David was working out at the gym when this Jessica Biel-fine woman walks in. Every guy in the gym was ogling her, to the point it was obviously becoming uncomfortable.  Then, this guy comes up to her,  straightforward and says, “Hi, I’m Scott. I don’t know what time you’re done with your workout but you want to grab a cup of coffee with me afterwards?”  “Yeah, OK, I’m Deborah. I’ll be done in half an hour,” she says. And just like that, an instant date. Two things happened: he was discreet – he obviously saw her come in, like we all did – and he was decisive, polite and threw the pitch right down Broadway.   Think you can’t be straight with a woman and have her say “yes?”  Think again. It worked for Scott. So go ahead, Scott, whoever you are.