Water. Puddles of water. Rivers of water. Water everywhere. In the form of water that you drink and water that you sweat.

That’s what I think of when describing spinning - one of the most intense, concentrated cardio workouts you could do that doesn’t involve stepping into the ring with another guy.  Yes, spinning’s been around for a decade or more by now, and while it may not be new, it’s an exceptionally effective way to burn a lot of calories in a short period of time.

Spinning, for the uninitiated, uses stationary bikes and interval training for a high-impact workout. Led by an instructor, you pedal constantly, increasing and reducing the resistance of your bike. The instructor tells you when to tighten and loosen the tension, get out of the saddle, sit back down, drink water, wipe your face, suck on oxygen, smile. And if your instructor is anything like mine – a twistedly perky instructor named Allison – you’ll both marvel at what incredible shape she’s in and how the hell she manages to smile and talk to the class in complete paragraphs while you all are on death’s doorstep! Bonus for guys: spinning classes usually have attractive, in-shape women attending, which helps keep you focused while your lungs are collasping.

Here’s how a standard 45 minute class usually plays out:

Start out with a five to ten minute warm-up while stretching your upper body in the saddle and adding increased resistance while maintaining a steady, quick pace. You feel good, fresh, alert, ready to kick class in the ass. Light sweat forms on your brow. Good start. 

Eight to ten minutes of interval training, in which you get out of the saddle to tackle harder and harder hills for a minute at a time, then loosening tension for thirty seconds of recovery. Sweat begins to flow freely from your chest and pits. You still feel good, strong, but you’ve stopped smiling on those tough hills.

Now you’re tackling steady hills to build power. Each hill is longer than the last (45 seconds, one minute, minute and a half, two minutes, etc) and the tension is increased so that you close in on your max with each successive hill. Your legs are covered in sweat and even your hands need a good toweling off. You are staring at the floor. You are red in the face but you are still alive.

Next, speed drills in which you loosen tension and spin as fast as your legs will carry you. If you have a ballsy instructor, she’ll divided the class into teams and pit you against each other. A particularly cruel instructor will pit individual riders against each other. Here, you risk getting seriously shown up by one of the 110-lb gym bunnies and you will not mind. But she will kick your ass and not smile afterward. You are seriously panting, your shirt is soaked through, and you’re approaching “runner’s high” territory. You’re so red, you like you’re wearing an Alabama football jersey and helmet.

Time for more hills. You’ll increase the tension to reach your max, get out of the saddle, and grind it out with a fury you never knew you had. This is no longer even remotely fun.  This is war and you are not going down, you will not quit class early. But you’d give ten thousand dollars to anyone who tells you class is over right now. It isn’t.

Three to five minutes of more interval training. And your instructor is smiling, smiling, smiling away. You are now officially dying. Except you feel kind of good and oddly, no measurable pain. You’re past the point of pain. The runner’s high sets in as the endorphins are now on full flow. You smile at the gym bunny who smoked you on the hills again. You might see a few colors, too.

Five minutes of cool down in which you release all tension and spin freely, stretching your upper body and slowing your heart rate down to something vaguely resembling normalcy.  Everyone’s smiling now because one, class is over, and two, you’re all high.

Finish your water and stretch off the bike in a puddle of your own sweat.

Some tips for the beginner spinner:

• Bring a towel and lots of water.
• Invest in real bike shorts, which are designed to prevent chafing. The acute level  ball-sweat that you generate can lead to chafing like you’ve never experienced before. You’ll think the days when you were being hazed at the Sigma Chi house were a tea party with first graders compared to the pain of crotch chafing.
• You control your tension or level of difficulty, so if you’re a complete beginner, it’s ok to loosen the tension until you build up capacity to punish yourself fully at a later class. Start light and build up gradually.
• To increase your speed, don’t push harder on the pedals. Instead, move your feet more quickly around the crank as if you’re trying to run faster. 
• To increase your power, pull up on the pedals with your hamstrings instead of pushing down on the pedalstroke with your toes. Maintain a flat sole on every stroke without pointing your toes like you’re in the Joffrey Ballet.
• Maintain a flat back, relaxed shoulders, and an open chest for easier breathing.   A rounded back reduces your lung capacity.
• Don’t squeeze the hell out of the handlebars. In fact, you should be able to ride hands-free.  That’s how you know your weight’s well distributed over the saddle.

I’m always stunned by the lack of guys in spinning class. Not only is it a killer workout in a short period of concentrated time, but for single guys, there are physically fit women there for the challenge and energy that comes from group exercise. Sucn an intense, physical activity builds an unspoken comraderie among the riders. What's a better icebreaker? What’s not to like?