So I’m sitting on this gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure at one of our favorite D.C. spots, The Grooming Lounge.  I just can’t seem to book my appointment and get my, uh, nails done.  Unlike a lot of guys, I’ve actually had a manicure and pedicure before (yes, my wife booked the appointments for me to deal with hands that looked like ground beef and feet that felt like my shoes were still on them).

Even so, I’m still trying to get around the “why”.  Why do I really have to do anything more than just clip my nails, clean out the dirt and sock lint (which is particularly embarrassing on one’s hands), hit them with some lotion and be done with it? 

Yes, I know that many famous athletes, from basketball players to pitchers, wide receivers to soccer players (with David Beckham as the sport’s poster child, of course soccer players) get manicures and pedicures to prevent ingrown nails, stubborn calluses and nasty infections. But me? I fly a desk every day. Why do I need a hand and foot detail? And if I book my own appointment for a manicure and pedicure, will I technically still have testicles?

I put it out on our Be Better Guys Forum to ask you if you would ever get a manicure.  What I got in return was, “I have short nails. Women have long nails. I don’t need help with my nails. Women do.” I also got a response of “My wife does my nails. She’s a good woman.” We should all be so lucky.

Now I have a theory – guys don’ t regularly have manicures and pedicures because they don’t know why they should get them, and they don’t what happens during the procedure. So I have set out, in the name of research for all of Guy-kind, to suffer through the indignities and physical trauma of both a manicure and pedicure and report back my findings. Provided I live to tell about it.

First, why it matters (based upon my own experiences and my conversation with my, ahem, manicurist:

Your Hands – you shake hands at work; you gesture with your hands at the office and in front of clients; and you hold the hand of your woman. Seen other men chewing their nails? Maybe you think that’s weird, maybe you’re one of those men. Either way, it’s J.V. And women? They pay such attention to detail when it comes to their own appearance, don’t think for a second they don’t notice your mitts. Not that they want you to have soft, feminine hands. Just not ones that looked like mine did – like something that had the makings of a good burger.

Your Feet – you walk all day long – to the train, the bus, the airport, the office, the dumpster  – and you stuff your feet in shoes day in and day out. If they give out because of an infection or a foul ingrown toenail, what’s your back-up plan for living your life and getting around - a wheelchair? Plus, women hate to have their shins scratched under the covers by your gnarly nails or the scaly soles of your feet. And foot fungus? Phew.

OK, so maybe there’s some logic here, you admit. But you’re not seriously considering going, are you?  Read on…

On a recent Saturday morning, I went into the Grooming Lounge – a guy’s salon in D.C. that serves booze, has ESPN on the tube and a cadre of attractive female stylists. A few guys are getting haircuts in the front room, chilling out and watching basketball highlights, when Toui approaches me and says, ‘Hi, I’ll be doing your service today.” Let’s get this on, Toui.

• It starts with a consultation – have I had this done before (yes, a couple times), do I have any skin issues or allergies (other than to lyme, no), am I relaxed (if I were any more relaxed, I’d be dead), would I like any clear polish at the end (are you high?  Thanks but no thanks. I am not a Scissor Sister).
• Toui washes and sanitizes my hands. First time I’d done that all day.
• My fingernails are cut down to a very thin strip, but not to the quick. We’ve all done that and I’m not paying for someone to hurt me, at least not like that. Then she files my nails with an emery board to remove sharp edges.
• Cuticle softner  is applied to prep the cuticles to be pushed back and cut (that’s what helps to reduce infection and keep the ground beef look to a minimum). You can rip your cuticles if you try to cut them when they’re dry. Then I soak my hands in a manicure bowl mixture of Molton Brown hand soap and Green Mint Tea Hand Soak. With a splash of rum, lime and a slice of sugar cane, I might be inclined to drink a glass of this stuff.
• She pushes back my cuticles and clips the excess. She then conditions my cuticles with cuticle oil. She also clips the dry skin bits I have around my nails.  So long, top sirloin.
• The she buffs my nails. Not so that they’re all shiny and “pretty,” but so they don’t look dull and lifeless. 
• Finally she applies moisturizer application and the grand finale - a five-minute hand and wrist massage that loosens up my forearms from a week’s worth of keyboard slavery.

Next, the feet.

• I soak my dogs in a warm whirlpool for ten minutes while drinking Scotch, reading the NY Times and watching Sportscenter. Just like home.
• Then it’s the same process as with the manicure – trim nails, file nails, push back and clip cuticles, buff the nails, much soaking.  Starting to feel woozy.  Liking that a lot.
• Toui applies exfoliation scrub on each foot, then my ankles and shins to remove crusty, dead skin, of which it appears I had way more than I thought I did.
• She works on the soles of my feet with a pumice stone to get rid of calluses on the heels and balls of my feet. Dogs are no longer barking and in fact, are feeling like something I might actually want to touch.
• Final moisturizer application, another one of those five-minute foot and ankle massages and I’m out the door. Total time: about 75 minutes. And I must say, a damn fine way to spend a morning.

And now to collect the prize (as spoken by my wife): “Hey, honey, nice looking hands! The ground beef is gone. And soft, too. And your feet! Look at you, no more touching your feet and thinking you forgot to take your shoes off before getting in bed. Here, bring them over here.  I want to massage them!”

And with that, I was converted. Yes, manicures and pedicures ain’t cheap (about $65 to $100 for both, depending on who performs the service), and I could think of other ways to spend the money (like on a nice bottle of wine, a dinner out, babysitting for my rugrats, or a ten-day trip to the Greek Isles…ok, it’s not that expensive!). But for the great feeling of relaxation and the benefits of having hands and feet I and others actually want to look at, there are certainly worse things you could do with your time and money. And I’m still a guy…for the most part.

So now what will I chew on during a meeting? Anyone got some beef jerky in their bag?