Be Better Guys

Disclosure:  David waited to write this article until his Washington Capitals made it past the stinky New York Rangers in Round 1 of the NHL Playoffs before offering some beard advice.  They have since advanced.  And here’s your advice.

We hate the Flyers, but Hartnell grows a great beard

Most of you who are following the NHL (and possibly the NBA) playoffs are showing your support for you team by growing a beard.  You may have noticed that a lot of NHL players are growing beards and mustaches (most of the NY Rangers looked like it was 1979 as they bowed out to the Capitals, what with their Tom Selleck mustaches covering their frowning, little mouths!).  NHL’ers are among the most superstitious of athletes, possibly only to be topped by Major Leaguers.  According to the unwritten rule, facial hair cannot be removed until the players’ team is eliminated from contention from the Stanley Cup playoffs. For the two teams that ultimately play for the coveted trophy, that time often extends into the month of June.  Apparently this all started back in the early ’80s with the New York Islanders championship teams, so clearly, it worked for them (they won the Cup 3 years in a row), and the tradition’s stuck ever since.

Most NHL fans show their support for their team by likewise putting away their razors and shaving cream and going all Geico-caveman in a pledge of brotherhood with their team.  If you work in a garage, you can let it grow however you want.  But if you work in an office, you need to have a couple of guidelines for how to keep it looking good, feeling soft (so your girl will still let you touch her), and being presentable.  Here are some Be Better Guys tips for growing the Playoff Beard:

Don’t let it go fully unmanaged. Just because Galifinakis lets his beard go all lumberjack, you shouldn’t.  So that’s the first tip to be mindful of – you can, and will, grow a beard but you prepare that it will need to be groomed, trimmed and maintained.  So out-of-the-gate, it will take some minor work.  Even the boys in ZZ Top maintained their manes, and you’ll need to accept that first off the bat.

a) too short. b) just right. c) WAY too long. Photo courtesy of Esquire

Your beard can be both too long OR too short. If you trim your neck hair too high, it looks like you went to a salon and had a wax treatment.  And it looks cheesy.  It goes without saying that those pencil-thin beards that run vertically down the side of the face and horizontally across the jawline are so trashy-looking that if you’re considering that form of trim, please leave our website now.

Also, too long – this is where it gets sticky.  See, lot of guys believe that to give proper support to the Playoff Beard, they shouldn’t trim ANYTHING.  Wrong.  Too long and you’ll  look like a wildebeast.  Just above the Adam’s apple is perfect.

When the beard gets thick, how to properly trim it. If your a Caps fan, or a fan of whomever will be playing the Caps in the Cup (David has now just jinxed himself completely), your beard will get thick and require trimming.  You can do it yourself with scissors or you can get a trimmer, like this Remington Trimmer for $40.    Before you shave, comb your beard down to get rid of tangles, then comb against the growth to fluff it and make it easier to cut. And you might want to start washing your beard with something that leaves less residue than face wash.

What if your beard grows unevenly but you still want to support? You, my man, have two choices.  You can either trim the thicker portions of your beard to a similar height to your splotchier areas or you can grow a mustache.  So maybe that’s why the Rangers grew mustaches…because they COULDN’T grow a proper beard!

Keepin’ it soft. No matter how deep your team goes in the playoffs, most beards are prickly for a while before they reach a length where they are more naturally softened.  Regardless of what stage you’re at, you should keep it soft with the same face lotion you normally use.  Don’t use hair conditioner (you do use conditioner every now and then, right?  Good.) on your face because it can betoo gloppy for the skin underneath your beard.  Your scalp is much thicker than the skin on your face and is better suited to hair conditioner.  Use face lotion on your beard daily, even twice daily, to keep it ‘touchable’ for your girl.

And when you lose….David remembers when the Caps were knocked out in the first round last year, the FIRST thing he did was immediately hop in the shower and shave his beard.  He wanted no reminders of the team’s early departure.  Here’s how you do it:  shave the beard down with an electric trimmer first to get it to stubble length.  Then fire up the shower, good and steamy.  Get some preshave oil and later up first with that, then with your usual shaving cream.  Put in a fresh blade so you don’t scrape and pull at your face.  Plus, when you’re in the shower, no one can tell you’re really in there crying.