Be Better Guys

I’m approaching my 12^th year anniversary in a few months and have now officially clocked 16 years together with my wife.  I don’t know everything.  But I know some things about being married that can help any guy out.  And maybe a few gals out there, too.   So to give some advice, wisdom and opinion on my marriage, what’s worked for me and what hasn’t, here are my 10 Things I Know About Marriage.

1. You best make sure you marry your best friend.  And I mean your BEST friend.  Because you will spend decades with this person in closer proximity than you ever will with anyone else.  Ever.  You better make sure you like each other a whole damn lot before you take another step.  And that she makes you laugh.  That’s what best friends do.
2. The things about the other person you don’t like, they won’t change after you get married.  So if you can’t live with her shopping habits or her dust-mop of a cat, that stuff won’t go away just ‘cause you tied the knot.  Either accept the flaws or let her go and look elsewhere.  And you won’t change your flaws that irritate her, either.  You accept and so does she.  Or you’re through.
3. Living together is a really good thing before you get married.  Here’s why – when you date, every date is like Saturday night.  All gussied up, on your best behavior, at your most romantic and chivalrous.  But life isn’t Saturday night.  Life is Tuesday morning and it’s rainy and you don’t want to go to work and you will not present your “Saturday night self” to her.  Nor will she to you.  And that’s when you have to realize that this is what day-to-day life will be like.  And that’s not bad.  Beats being alone!
4. When you date, days are not routine.  They have spontaneity, excitement, allure.  After you’ve been married for a few years, days become routine.  Some call it a rut.  To an extent, routine’s a good thing for most people, gives them structure to the day.   If you feel you’re both getting in a rut, take a weekend away somewhere.  Going away together fixes most problems and resets your head.  Hers, too.  Plus you lay in bed longer, and that’s always great news.
5. There’s a nobility in staying married. Not in getting married.  In staying married.  I would say half of my friends and colleagues are divorced.  It’s like you and your spouse sometimes look around you and think, “Wow, we’re still standing.”  You’re teammates as much as you are lovers.  There’s an honor in that.
6. Speaking of divorce, if you’re married and fighting too much and ultimately don’t really like each other, don’t have kids. They won’t fix the situation between you two.  In fact, all you’ll be doing is making another generation of messed-up adults.  Just split from each other, take what’s yours, let her have what was hers, split up the stuff equitably you bought together, and cut your loss.  That goes for pets, too.  A puppy won’t fix the fact that you both don’t like each other anymore.
7. If you find you are at each other’s throats all the time, think this thought – there was a time when you both were nuts about each other.  Couldn’t keep your hands off each other.  Thought about each other on the bus and at the gym and during meetings.  That time was probably when you first started dating.  There was an intrigue, a novelty, back then as you both figured each other out.  What’d you do together that was so great?  Think about it.  Then recapture it.  Do it again.  Go back to the restaurant of your first date.  Go back to the place of your first trip together.  Actively try to get that feeling back.  You were once nuts about each other.  You are still nuts about each other.  It’s just that routine’s gotten in the way.  Push it aside and recapture it.
8. You constantly battle against growing apart.  Get used to it.  You meet new people and so does she.  You become interested in new things and some of those new people.  So does she.  But when it all comes down, underneath it all, is the foundation you two have built and it’s on that foundation that you dig your feet in and rededicate yourself to not growing TOO far apart.
9. We don’t do “girls night out” or “guys poker night”.  We hang out with each other.  Some folks think you need to get away from your spouse and spend a night with the guys.  I’m not that guy.  I don’t see why I’d want to spend more time away from my best friend.  When I want to see my guy friends, I invite ‘em over with their women.  And we all hang out together.  I prefer that.
10. I married my drinking buddy. That’s a good thing.  We hang out and have cocktails or wine every single day of our lives.  And we talk.  Just like drinking buddies do.  Marry yours, if you can.

David Boris is co-creator of Be Better Guys.