Be Better Guys

Ever shaken someone’s hand and been like, “Aww, that was like squeezing a dead catfish!  All squishy and moist…foul!”  Or not known quite how to shake a woman’s hand?  Like do you do the full-on grip of life or do you just grab the front-half of her hand like she just asked you to hold her purse for the next hour?  The handshake is the first fully-accepted way for people to physically touch another person.  We all do it.  We don’t always hug another person or even pat their arm.  But we do shake hands.  Physical touch is a really critical point of interaction that most folks don’t take time to master.  Be Better Guys, as part of our Body Language Basics series, shows you how to shake hands like a man, even with women, and how to touch another person without being pervy.

The Handshake. I think we’ve all seen every variation of handshakes out there.  The limp dishrag.  The dead sea bass.  The dead flounder.  The barely-breathing guppy. Various other fish-related handshakes.  The power grip-of-death.  The grip-of-death with the forearm twist.   The soul shake.  The soul shake with extra dap.  Enough.  Here’s how you shake someone’s hand:

• You should try to grab the person’s hand deep and to the base of the thumb.  Your grip should be firm.  On a scale of 1 to 10, your grip is a 7.
• You are not playing a game of mercy so don’t give the other person “knucklesauce”, unless it’s your 4^th-grader, who may like knucklesauce (which is gripping the hands and squeezing the knuckles together so he drops to his knees – ouch).
• Lock eye contact when shaking hands.  Every time.
• For added connectivity, hold the person’s shake juuuust a moment longer than normal couple of seconds.   That coupled with the quality eye contact tells the person “you are focused on them” and now you want him or her to focus on you.
• Don’t twist the other person’s wrist to get your hand actually on top of theirs.  This called “making them your bitch” and is obnoxious.  Shake straight and direct, like a fastball.  Not twisty like a slider.
• In fact, don’t twist their elbow either.  One dad who lives in the neighborhood likes to convey just how happy he is to see me by getting under my forearm and twisting upward, as if we just one Game 7.  Every time I see him coming I think, “Can’t we just high-five?”
• When you shake a woman’s hand, you shake it just like you do a man’s.  Every time.  Now if the woman gives you just the front half of her hand in that weird, palsy-like bent, half-hand manner, then take what you’re given.  But if you can dictate the shake, it’s a full-grip, comfortable shake with a bit less firmness than you would a guy.  Scale of 1 to 10 your grip is a 5 to 6.
• If you have sweaty palms, and I do, wipe ‘em before you shake.  I have shaken hands with palms sweatier than mine and I wish they had read that last sentence before extending their mitts to me.

Touching other people. Touching another person, such as if I put my hand on the back of another man as we’re discussing something or if I tap another person (man or woman) on the arm to emphasize a point, is an extremely useful body language tool.  Use your hands to establish and deepen the connection between you and a customer or co-worker.  But it is not a beginner tool; you need to be an expert to properly use touch and not come off like a dipstick.

• People genuinely don’t object to being touched by your hand.  But it all depends on how you do it.  For example, I have a customer who has really become a good friend.  So when I see him and shake his hand, I use my left hand to pat him on the back.  It’s a message I’m sending on purpose, a message of camaraderie.
• Another example is when I want to emphasize a point I’m making to a colleague or customer, I may tap that person on the upper arm and say something like, “That comment you made an hour ago about how our staff isn’t responsive to you needs, I want to talk more with you about that.” Why do I tap the person on the arm?  To convey that he has my full attention.  And that I have his.  I say “his” because I do this with both men and women.
• Recognize if you feel a man you’re talking with will not misinterpret being touched.  Some give off a vibe of distance by keeping physical distance from you and standing with arms folded and body turned; in other words, not open.  If so, read that vibe and don’t cross the line.  Some may see touch as inappropriate so read carefully.  That’s why it’s a tool for the Advanced Body Language pro!
• When touching women in a business setting, don’t get cute and put your hand on the small of her back.  That’s a move of intimacy and could get you smacked.  Hard.
• That said some women will be really uncomfortable with any form of touch.  Again, read the person.  When in doubt, don’t touch.
• There are cultural differences around the globe in terms of touch.  My recommendation?  Don’t touch someone if you sense in any way that you could be perceived as violating their customs.

Your hands are so instrumental in deepening the connection you have with another person.  Most folks never move beyond the handshake.  If you’re one of those folks, then at least nail the handshake and don’t risk blowing the one opportunity you have to physically connect.  But if you want to go farther, and I suggest you do because I believe it helps to bring you closer to a person by showing that they make you comfortable, then go ahead, reach out and touch someone.  In the “hands” of the right person, touch is most valuable tool.